The inherent dangers of the interweb...

So there I was, pondering yet again how to take over the world when my telephone rang.

Me: Hello?
She: I have to ask you for a favour. But you need to just listen and not judge, okay?
Me: …this already sounds promising.
She: I need you to ask your friend if I can borrow his handcuffs.
Me: What?!?
She: The novelty kind suck! Those things can’t restrain a flea!
Me: …
She: And the pink, poofy feathers? No. Way. Ever!
Me: …
She: Is that judgment I don’t hear in your voice?
Me: …
She: What?
Me: Gaaah! …no details, okay?
She: Deal.
Me: And make sure you clean them off!
She: I’m a dirty girl, not a gross one.
Me: Whatevs. I'll have to ask my friend if the cuffs will be…um…available this weekend.
She: Eeew! Totally TMI!
Me: Uh...hello? Pot? Kettle? Black!
She: I really need them soon.
Me: It would be a lot easier if you had your own set.
She: Can you even buy them?
Me: Well, the cops have to get them from somewhere.
She: Where?
Me: I dunno. Have you tried Googling “handcuffs?”
She: Are you sh*tting me?
Me: I’m serious. You can buy practically anything online. Here, wait…I’ll check it out. My machine's up.

[sound of typing keys]

Me: …Hmmm. Holy sh*t! They’re $165! There has to be someplace cheaper. Let’s see…Here we go. “Protection Depot.” There's the menu. Click there...and there. Okay. Huh? What the hell is a kubaton?? Never mind. Here we go – police issue handcuffs: $15.99 US.
She: That’s not bad. I can swing that.
Me: Are you interested in leg cuffs or thumb cuffs? They have those, too. In fact, those thumb cuffs are actually kind of cute.
She: ...You’re a sick, sick puppy!
Me: Thank you. I try. I’m going to be in the States next month. Want me to pick up a set for you?
She: And how are you going to explain it to customs?
Me: Truth usually works. Besides, they’ll be looking for other stuff. My niece wants me to smuggle some sort of spicy gourmet wieners for her.
She: Wieners and handcuffs. That’ll be an interesting interview at the border.

[sound of mouse clicking]

Me: Hey, they have slingshots!
She: Seriously?
Me: They’re stainless steel with rubber tubing. And they prop up on your wrist. Get this! They come with “premium steel ammo shots!” Only $3.89 per package.
She: What?!?
Me: Hey, you can hunt with these things! This site is insane! Let’s see what else they have.

[sound of mouse clicking]

Me: Oh. My. God!! Blowguns! They sell fricking blowguns!!
She: WHAT!?!
Me: With darts! Oh!Oh! Get this! They come in .40 and .50 calibre models!
She: ...That's too bizarre and is kinda freaking me out.
Me: The blowguns have an anti-inhale safety mouthpiece! That is totally the freaking bomb!
She: Okay – now you’re officially scary. Like "I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti" scary.
Me: Uh, right. Hello...paging Officer Kinky!
She: Oh, no you di'n't!!
Me: Whoa! Score! They have stun guns!
She: ...uhhh..."Score" and "stun guns" should really not be used together in the same sentence...
Me: Hey! They have a purse-sized model called the “Small Fry!”

www.protectiondepot.com