Friday, April 27, 2007

The most awesome cover evah!!

This is the cover of the Wednesday, April 25, 2007 edition of 24 Hours.

I know that many of you have probably already seen this but I still get a HUGE chuckle out of it everytime I see it.

The day before this was published, I was suggesting to some chinese colleagues that we all march down to the temple and offer some BBQ duck on rice to the gods. The 'Nucks can use all of our sympathetic magic right now...

And no, he is NOT wearing that jersey while he works. Note how clean it is. No BBQ duck juice anywhere. Only an idiot (or a man with magical laundry grease remover) would wear a $150+ jersey while he's working in a very messymessy job.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dating and Sex Toys and Bears, Oh My!

Undercover again…this time at a speed dating event hosted in a sex toy shop. The added bonus? 2-for-1 admission for women. Yo! Don’t judge. You KNOW you can’t resist this set up any more than I can. The only difference between you and me is that I have no shame.

4:45 pm – call from my sister.
I tell her my plan. “Perverts!” she screeches, “You’re dating perverts!” Then she asks “are you going to dress skanky?” o_O!! Even if I wanted to though, sadly there is no push-up bra in this universe that can sling my girls back to their formerly perky selves. So, skanks of the world can rest easily now. (I'm sure they were quaking in their thigh high booties.)

6:25 pm – dinner with my partner in crime (PIC).
Cute waiter. Hmm. Is it crass to hit on the help? Maybe I could make an exceptio…oooh, look! Sambal eggplant! Yumyum! And spicy prawns, too! Yay, food! [Drools]

7:30 pm – let the games begin.

7:40 pm – holy paperwork, Batman!
There’s a comprehensive form that needs to be filled out in case we click with someone tonight and want to further contact them. First question: “I am: ( ) shy and sweet ( ) romantic ( ) a homebody ( ) the life of the party.” Huhn. There's no box for: “an evil bitch who enjoys laughing at your sad ass.”

7:50 pm – hi, my name is lughcifer…
Ice-breaker exercise. We’re each carrying playing cards that feature nekkid folks. Dude on my card is large and in charge and every guy comments on that. (With rather stunned expressions on their faces. Hmm. Telling!) There is, I suspect, more breakage of egos than ice in this exercise.

7:55 pm – …and I'm a punaholic.
When one of the guys relates a mildly harrowing story, I automatically respond “Dude, that’s hardcore!” Gaaaaak! Then I compound my pervy reputation by using the words "back-end" in what I thought was a harmless comment. I’m not doing this on purpose! My punnage switch is stuck in the “on” position.

8:00 pm – reeee-jected in round one!
I sit out round one with two other women. I can either stare at the wall of dildos and butt plugs beside me or introduce myself to them. I opt to chat. We start off our discussion wondering whether there’s a remote controlled, wireless vibrator on the market.

“Why would you want something wireless?” Blondie asks Sassy Girl.
“Well, I like the idea of a remote. You can have your hands free,” SG replies.
“Why would you want your hands free?”
“Well…what if you want to hold a mug of coffee? Or talk on the telephone?”

8:10 pm – Date No. 1
This guy cornered me during the ice breaker. Five minutes into the formal date, I’m scrambling like mad to keep the conversation flowing. He’s a hygiene specialist. He has no hobbies. He tried ballroom dancing once. He liked it so much that he wants to take lessons. He's never had a relationship. He asks if I bowl? He doesn't bowl. He's not into sports.

As we continue bumbling through the conversation, I realize I’m starting to pity him, a dating danger zone for me. Then he swigs from his water bottle, wets his lips...and leaves them that way. Gaaaah!! My eyes! They're burning!! Pity's been firmly killed. Moving on.

When he leaves, I have this fleeting realization: his face would be on a level with my boobage if we ballroom dance together. Bleeaaaahrrgh! Why did my brain think such a thing?!

8:25 pm – Date No. 2
Dude = deer in headlights. Either that or he was mesmerized by the vibrating thong in the showcase behind my head. (It’s tiger print – very compelling!) Still, he laughed at my jokes. Boys who think I’m funny get a pass, no questions asked.

8:30 – Sassy Girl bails.
She wishes me “good luck” before she leaves. Does she know something that I should know? Damn it! I wasn’t supposed to drink the Kool-Aid*, was I?

8:35 pm – Date No. 3
Dude starts off by telling me people think he looks like Ross from Friends. I give him my sincere condolences and automatically win points because we agree that everyone on Friends is neurotic as hell. We’re discussing how snotty women in Vancouver can be when he leans back. I see a flash of Fire Engine Red from underneath his jean cuffs. Real crocodile shoes. Shiny. Expensive. Very Pope Benedict XVI. I’d totally covet them if they came slingback style in a 2” kitten heel.

8:45 pm – Date No. 4
Stand-up comedian, dj, and new reader of this blog. Which is why you'll have to email me for deets. (he, too, laughed at my jokes and so, got a pass.)

8:55 pm – Date No. 5
Dude said hello and then revealed his Hostage List of Demands: a girl who’s shy, semi-creative, has family-oriented values. The words “I’m okay with having mixed-race children” were used before we passed the two minute mark in the conversation. He asked me what I valued. I replied “balance” and he interrupted with “Yin and Yang…I love that too!”
...
...
Oh god. I think I just sprained my eyeballs from rolling them so hard. OwowowowowOWW!!

Then, on a dime, he tells me that he has an asian ex who was really messed up and bitter about her heritage. "So," he concludes, "it could never work out between us." WTF?! He kisses my hand and leaves the room. Damn! That was the fastest bitch ‘n’ ditch I’ve ever seen. Dude should just chill. Perhaps he needs some Kool-Aid*?

9:05 pm – the end! Thank god.
We submit our choices for a follow-up date and call it a night. My partner-in-crime checks out the merchandise before we leave and debrief over tea and dessert. Poor girl was trapped between harnesses and nekkid DVDs for the entire night. Yin/Yang Dude was her first date and his Hostage List of Demands threw her for such a loop that she was traumatized for the rest of the night. I cut my chocolate fudge square in two uneven pieces and push the larger piece towards her. She needs the healing powers of chocolate more than I do.


* I keep typing Kook-Aid instead of Kool-Aid. Talk about Freudian slips! LOL…