Traveling with the 'rents!

Mom tricked me into going onto this trip. Well, that’s not entirely true. First she guilted me into going. “Your dad and I are too afraid to travel on our own anymore. Death is practically beating down our door. Dad has HEALTH problems, remember? (But I’m perfectly healthy like a 28 year old, just so you know.)”

Then, when my will was completely broken and I lay in a crumpled heap on the ground sobbing “yes, yes…anything!! Just please, STOP the guilt!”...that's when she tricked me.

She: We’re going with a Chinese tour group.
Me: Oh god, noooo! Not again!
She: What was that?
Me: Er…ah…I’m…I’m hot? Yes, Hot. Hot again!
She: In November?
Me: The fireplace has been going all day and I’ve been…uh…cooking. Yeah! I think?
She: Ooh-kay. [aside]Strange kid. I think there was something off about the egg that created her.
Me: What?!
She: I said I booked us on a cruise.
Me: WHAT?!! Hellz no!
She: [said using the Voice of God] Excuse me?!?
Me: [whimpers]
She: That’s a good girl.
Me: [quiet sobbing]

So that’s how I ended up going on a tour with my parents to Las Vegas. That sojourn was followed by a short jaunt on a cruise ship (aka “The Floating Prison”) heading to that wonderfully exotic, bestest of all locales…Vancouver! I shit you not. We went on a cruise from L.A. to Vancouver and saw a lot of flat ocean. And Victoria. Whoop-di-f*cking-doo.

My friend laughed his ass off when he found out about my predicament. “Did you draw the short straw?” he mocked. He suggested that I make the most of my situation. “Find yourself a rich old man to marry while you're on the cruise,” he advised. “Just make sure he has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.”

On the whole, however, the trip turned out much better than I’d anticipated. Las Vegas was actually hella fun. Outlet shopping, Cirque du Soleil, and the fantabulous swimming pool were all hits with the ‘rents and myself. Unfortunately, the High Desert heat and dryness were not. Temps started at 35 degrees Celcius and went up from there. I could feel the water being sucked from my lungs even in the air conditioning. Still, the surrounding mountains were starkly beautiful (think Georgia O’Keefe in her Arizona phase), and I saw my first Joshua Tree enroute to the outlet mall. (U2 lives! So does mass consumption!)

Best of all – there were endless things to mock in Vegas! I was in complete and utter snarking heaven. There was just so much cool/weird stuff in Vegas that you can’t find up here in Canada: cigarette vending machines (Joe Camel lives! So does cancer!) Hawai’ian Villas with white hula girls and a South Asian (East Indian) restaurant (but no Hawai’ians); video poker terminals in the local grocery store. Dad sarcastically snarked that there were probably slot machines in the toilets of the lower end hotels.

There was one symbol, however, that came to encapsulate the spirit of Vegas for me:

You can't tell from the still photo but the sign actually glitters and sparkles. Seriously. How can you NOT love this?!? It is totally teh awesome!

Paris, Vegas was also pretty cool.

I know it’s not the Eiffel Tower. But 1) palm trees silhouetted in front = fantastic; and 2) you have to snicker when you see French-hating, Freedom Fry-lovin’, red state-livin’ Americans totally losing their shit over this replica. Would you like a side of irony with those Freedom Fries, ma'am?

Surprisingly, I did not see any Elvis impersonators anywhere. But I did see the four? eight? wedding chapels at Caesar's, a drag queen in full make-up but no wig, and a billboard for Celine Dion. (She was wearing a far-too-revealing sequined mini. My eyes practically melted out of their sockets and I'm still having PTSD flashbacks.)

Cool highlight: The fountains at the Bellagio.
I know it’s totally teh cheese. But honestly? I heart the fountains. The fountains totally rocked. Classical music on a blaring p.a. + expensive mood lighting x unfortunate spurty male symbolism = f*cking cool! Plus, it was the only place on the Strip where I didn’t feel my skin crying out for moisturizer.

After Vegas, we boarded a bus for L.A. Ahead lay The Death Cruise. But first: a pit stop. McD's, tacky souvenirs, and this little gem:
In case you can't tell, the chess pieces are "cowboys" and "indians." o_O !! This piece speaks for itself, I think, and it's saying some really socially awkward and highly inappropriate things. Gaaak!

For the most part, the cruise was surprisingly enjoyable. The ship was tastefully decorated, the staff were incredibly courteous, and the food was mostly decent. There were a lot of young families and singles on board so the portable defribrillators weren't marched out all that often. Which is a pity. Because I certainly needed my heart started again when I beheld this during an evening performance:Yes, those are red/pink metallic pants. And to add insult to my (visual) injury, dude proceeded to sing Tina Turner and MIMIC HER DANCE MOVES. The 'rents and the woman sitting next to me could not figure out why I was screaming "auuuugh! auuuuugh!" under my breath. Luckily, my dad fell asleep a third of the way through the performance, giving us the excuse to jump out and escape this monstrosity.

Dude, by the way? Thirteen time winner of Star Search. He'd better hope the Fug Girls don't get their hands on him.

I managed to catch Little Miss Sunshine onboard and there was a very funny kickass juggler/comedian as well, so I started to believe that red metallic panted Tina Turner channeling guy was a glitch. I confidently strode back into the auditorium to watch the Sapphire Princess dancers perform with some piano playing dude. And this is what I got for my faith and effort:
An ode to Liberace. LIBERACE, MIND YOU!! And in case you're wondering what's on top of the nearly nekkid dancer's head to the right, it's a candalabra. One where the bulbs flash on and off in a rotating pattern.

Dear god...I felt sorry for those kids until this pink monstrosity showed up on the stage. Then I knew they were complicit and my pity died stillborn in my dark, black flinty heart. Seriously...if you don't resign on the spot when faced with this shiteousness that passes for a costume, you deserve what you get.

So...I survived my travels with the 'rents and a good time was had by all. Any trip where you don't push a parent overboard is a good one! Unfortunately, I've just been told that my mother is raving about the trip and that my Dad wants to go on another cruise soon. Gaaaaak!! I think I'll make the brother go next time. I'm still waking up in the night screaming about the monstrous pink tulle gown lurking under my bed.